Anxiety meets Excitement

I’ve once again failed to be diligent in updates… in part to my usual scattered brain, but also in part to a cloud of anxiety.

A few weeks ago we found out friends of ours were also expecting. It was very exciting news, as we were due about the same time. A few nights later I had a horribly graphic nightmare that I miscarried. Needless to say, I was very on edge after that. After a few days, I started to believe it was just a dream and I needed to let it go… only to have the news delivered that our friends had actually miscarried. So… unbelievably sad… and my anxiety spiked again. Two nights later, a still birth on our favorite show… followed promptly by a miscarriage portrayal on This Is Us (why did I start watching that show!)…. it’s like it just circles around us and I was convinced we’d be getting bad news at our first midwife appt.

Well last week, at 9 weeks + 1 day, we saw this:

With a steady heartbeat of 174bpm and a load of wiggles too boot. Our little junebug is measure spot on and everything looks great. What a relief. I know it’s still early and we’re not really in the clear (are our ever?), but it helped my anxiety a great deal. Thank goodness for our sweet midwife who suggested right off the bat that we go ahead and take a peak via ultrasound, even tho there wasn’t any real reason to do so other than to calm my soul.

I was also able to find the baby’s heartbeat myself yesterday @ 10w+2 on our home Doppler. I can’t wait to get to the feeling them move part so I can maybe chill out and enjoy this more.

I’ve started feeling a lot better… well kinda. The pregnancy specific symptoms are manageable these days. However, I’ve had the worlds worst cold for nearly 2 wks now and I’m soooooooo over all the snot! Things could be worse tho, so just plugging along.

We told some family over the holiday weekend. That was fun, lots of excitement. I expected there to be less enthusiasm seeing as it’s our 3rd kiddo, but it almost seemed like even more was there for this one. Pretty cool! Looking forward to my parents finally returning from their two month vacation so we can finally tell them too! And my sister – who is due in April – I really can’t wait for us to have babies together this time.

We also told our kids. Obviously the youngest hasn’t got a clue what’s going on, but the big one is stoked to have another sibling!

Other than that, we are in full blown Christmas mode and I am loving it! Favorite time of the year!

Hope all is well with all of you!

J

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A light switch

Yesterday was the 6 week mark… the day before it was as if someone flicked a switch on the morning sickness 🤢 

I’ve had a little nausea here and there if I go too long without eating or certain smells creep up. But as of Monday… I am nauseous 100% of the time. If I eat… it helps… for a minute, but then I’m uncomfortable because I’ve eaten. If I don’t eat I feel super hungry and yet horrible sick at the same time. Nothing sounds good, but I’m frequently ravaging hungry… an obnoxious combination. I believe this is the pattern I’ve followed both previous pregnancies… I just thought maybe it wasn’t all.day.long. Literally the minute I open my eyes in the morning… I feel gross. Other than that, I tucker out pretty easily and early… and I certainly spend more time in the bathroom than before. But beyond that bit, I feel good. 

This timeframe of pregnancy always makes me super anxious. I hate waiting for that first appointment and that it’s not until 8+ weeks along. I just want to know all is well in there… I suppose the all day sickness is a good sign of that tho.

I’m also feeling anxious about telling our families… we hit a snag moneywise a few months ago (we had to borrow some money – keeping in mind we are a one income family now and still sort of adjusting to that) and I’m worried it’s going to be held over our heads now. Another baby when you aren’t totally financially secure… I can hear it now. I hope I’ll be wrong and people will just be excited for another gorgeous baby g. 

I’m searching for that moment where it starts to feel real… it has not sunk in yet. I think I’m still in shock about how quickly we got pregnant this time that I’m sort of in denial about it… 

hope y’all had a fun Halloween! 

J

Four Weeks

Today marks 4 weeks, my period isn’t due for another 2 days at least… but I feel confident it won’t show. 

I told my wife on Friday when she got home from work. Our oldest was outside with friends so I gave our little a book called “I’m a Big Brother” and told him to go show Mummy his new book. She was confused at first and said “why would you have this?” And when she looked up at me for the answer I handed her the positive test! She cried, those same happy tears I saw when we found out last time and repeatedly asked “how’d you do it so fast?? How’s it work so fast??” 

I’ve been testing daily, because I’m obsessed… I have wondfo tests everyday and I’ve done a first response every other. The first response lines seem to be darkening nicely… the wondfos, less so 🤷🏼‍♀️

But needless to say, we’re both stunned how quickly we were successful this time and we are so excited! Our little Junebug should be here the end of June 2018 🙂

Thank you for all the warm congrats on my last post, you ladies are the best! 😘

J

#3, cycle 2

Life has been nuts. My grandma passed about a month ago, the day of her wake I got home and was greeted by my (late) period. My sister text me to tell me she was pregnant that day as well. I am honestly thrilled for her, it’s her first baby and I’m SO excited to be an aunt… but it was a lot of punches in the heart in one day. I stepped waaaay back and focused so hard on not getting negative. Our first cycle failed & it should have – we went in blind and completely unprepared and just hoped maybe we’d get suuuuper lucky. We didn’t. Move on.

I hung onto the fact that when we started trying for A, my aunt died right at the start of the first cycle… and then everyone and their brother got pregnant over the 9 months that followed, except for me. It was hard… and my grandma dying, followed by my sisters pregnancy announcement, it was a trigger for me. But I’m ok now.

This cycle tho… wow. First of all, I had a WICKED sinus infection the first full week so my temps were a hot mess… and then the day I was sure I was going to ovulate I had an awful stomach bug (but committed to the process and dealt with an insem anyway) which is now really screwing things up for me in terms of confirming ovulation. 🙄. I started using my ovacue monitor as a back up since my temps were screwed. It predicted I’d ovulate CD14, I know in the past it was somehow always a day or two early on it prediction… so I mentally prepared for CD15/16. I also decided to use the clear blue digis that show you high and peak days. Took the first one on CD12 and wouldn’t ya know, it did the blinking high on cd12 & 13 and peaked on cd14! I used my usual wondfos as well and I got two days where the test line was actually darker than the control line – ya’ll I’ve never ever had a test do that… most the time I’m not even sure it’s positive at all, so this was awesome. And now based on those two days (cd14/15) and the ovacue monitor confirming O on CD16… I feel really sure I ovulated… but since it’s all sort of a day off from each other and my temps are a mess… I don’t actually know what day 😬.

We did 3 inseminations – CD12, 14, & 15. So I think we fairly well covered the fertile time… Unless my temps are somehow correct and I ovulated before those blazing positives?

I would say CD15 or CD16 is more likely… but uh… Help?

Always a mystery.

J

Wicked Witch

Well this cycle has come to a cruel close. After returning home from my grandmother’s visitation I was greeted my my old Aunt Flo. Awesome. I mean we knew I wasn’t pregnant at this point but way to kick a person when she’s already down.

Ah well. Get thru the funeral tmrw and then decide what our plan is for the next cycle…

One down… I can do this.

J

No Show…

16 day lp means I should’ve started AF today. It didn’t show. All tests have been negative except a possible squinter at 12dpo. So really… 🙄 that’s just mean.

My grandmother passed away on Wednesday. So that on top of an odd number of disappointments over the past two weeks has me feeling pretty agitated… and well, sad… obviously 😔

Hopefully my period ends up showing soon so we can move on. In the meantime, I think I’ve earned a glass of scotch.

J