the beginning before beginning

hello there.

i’ve decided to start this blog to keep document (or really to pour all my thoughts/feelings out about) our TTC (trying to conceive) journey.

my wife and i are finally ready to take the leap. i have a son from a previous relationship, conceived the old fashion way. but for this pair of lesbians, that’s not going to work this time around.

so here we are. we’ve talked about it for ages, set up a fund to go towards the procedures, asked that no one buy us wedding gifts – but rather deposit the money they would’ve spent into our fund. we came out pretty well, but it’s only enough for a few attempts the way we’re going with this. that makes me anxious.

A finally committed to the idea of starting and picked a general time. In the meantime, i’m busy tracking EVERYTHING. i will be carrying our nugget, should we be so lucky as to conceive. i’ve been tracking my temp each morning (bbt) for a few months now. albeit not very religiously. i’m committed now & frustrated. drinking effects my temps a lot, making my charts impossible to read. translation = i drink too much. yikes. with holidays and all that… my charts the last 2 months have been so all over the place, the app i’m using doesn’t think i’m ovulating at all. i sincerely hope this is completely due to my lack of consistency and my love of wine. i believe it is. i actually managed to take some ovulation tests one month, tho i was inconsistent with the temp taking, the opk did say i got the surge – suggesting i did in fact ovulate. anyway, now that we have a sort of time frame actually in mind, i’ve had to get serious. of course, that’s proved to be very difficult with the slew of christmas/family/new years/the wife’s birthday/etc… all falling so close together. i’m in the middle of a 3 week period of time where not having a drink is impossible. that sounds pretty dramatic, doesn’t it? the issue is, i’m not pregnant (yet!) so it’s hard to deny myself the fun with everyone else. i’m agonizing over it, can you tell? i know what needs to happen, it’s a matter of getting that all the way thru my head. as for now, we aren’t telling anyone the time frame or when we do actually start inseminating. mainly because we’d love to have that “normal” chance to tell our family/friends and have it be a real surprise. but also because we feel the pressure to perform/succeed quickly would be too much stress as, innocently enough, people would surely ask how it’s going or if it’s working yet. that being said, i can’t bow out of a beverage at a gathering without question… so we’ll get thru the last of these celebrations and hopefully be able to return to our little homebody ways and things will get easier.

aside from my struggles with curbing my nightly glass (or two) of wine, i’ve been busy reading… ALL THE STUFF. seriously, i’ve read countless websites, downloaded 3 books to my kindle, ordered 3 more, spend a vast majority of my time reading a forum on http://babyandbump.momtastic.com/ about at home AI (artificial insemination), and perusing sperm bank websites for the perfect donor.

i’m obsessive.

some days, all the information makes me feel hopeful and confident. some days, it all seems impossible. A doesn’t want to consider using fresh or known donor swimmers, which i respect. however, i have found maybe 1 (but i’m not even 100% yet) sperm bank that will send to your house w/out a doctor filling out the request. what’s the big deal, get a doc to sign off! no. here’s the deal, i did my due diligence and went and saw and obgyn. i got all checked out and tested and asked the right questions and everything checked out well. when i asked about getting pregnant via donor sperm – she told me to go to a fertility clinic. i don’t need a fertility clinic – i have no known fertility issues & i don’t need that kind of help. yes, the can do the insems for me – but i don’t want that either. we want to do it at home, where we can BOTH be involved… where we can maybe feel a little like we made the baby together. if we were a straight couple, the doc wouldn’t have to sign off on us doing the deed…
to add to all that, insurance for us does not cover fertility clinic visits, etc… that is only covered if you have an actual fertility issue, and you’ve been trying for x-months without luck. how can i try for that long even if i can’t even start without a clinic? it’s extremely frustrating.

so right now, its a mad dash to find a bank that will send our seeds right to our house and allow us to create our family ourselves. it’s disheartening.

i have started taking prenatal vitamins, as everything i read suggested starting to take them before trying to conceive. i’m also taking vitex, which i’ve heard a lot of great things about. i’m temping, tracking cervical mucus & position, and i’m going to be religious about ovulation tests starting this month (soon actually as i’m supposedly suppose to ovulate in the next week or so). cutting down on soda, cutting alcohol out, eating better, etc… trying to create the best possible situation for conception and getting very in touch with my body. it ain’t cheap to buy those little frozen swimmers, so it’s become an obsession to give ourselves the very best possible chance of it working as quickly as possible.

in the meantime, i’ll be writing here. since we aren’t really spreading the news about our plans, i’m feeling a bit bottled up with all the things we have to do. hopefully laying it all out here will help. and if we’re successful, i hope to make this page more public, as i’m sure there will be some in our situation who will find it helpful to know they aren’t alone, someone has been there, and all the feelings that come along with it are completely normal.

baby dust & lots of love,
j

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