my mindset mimics my erratic bbt.

eager.

anxious.

excited.

terrified.

hopeful.

realistic.

pessimistic.

i’m all over the board guys. all over it.
my mom always says “if you say you can, you can. you have to believe positives in order to see them happen.”
i want to believe with all my heart that if i just believe this path will work out, that it simply will.

one and done is naive, unrealistic, even downright silly, to believe. especially since our swimmers are frozen and that makes them even less likely to succeed.

we have narrowed our list of 10 donors down to 2. which is great. both have the characteristics we want. both have their own little bonus, as well as their own downfall. i’m trying to keep in mind that if this were a ‘normal’ creation, i wouldn’t pick A apart and dissect her and count her out just because she allergic to cats or because one leg is slightly shorter than the other. nevermind the fact that we aren’t considering any of my traits as the carrier. i’m trying to be realistic. ultimate goal – dna that outwardly resembles A. the rest is all chance anyway. i randomly developed an allergy to tree nuts as an adult – no one in my family has that allergy. so does it matter if donor 1 has an allergy to mr. bubble or that donor 2 is allergic to trees? not really. both are generally healthy. one wears glasses, but so do i. neither needed braces – score (hopefully)! no serious issues is what i’m getting at here. one is the same height and weight as A is currently… i thought that was fun =)

anyway… on the donor front, all seems well. we’re doing well with not being too nit-picky and screwing ourselves out of mr. perfect, but keeping up with a few things we really want to make sure are thrown in the DNA mix… like curly hair, because A has these perfect curls and i’d love our nugget to have them too!

my anxiety there is good… but the ‘will it work’ ‘am i going to be a successful vessel’ ‘don’t get your hopes up, it’ll only hurt more when it fails’… it won’t stop. the pressure is intense.

i’m trying to remind myself that i managed to conceive once before, on an off chance, and produced a healthy baby boy. but his dna didn’t cost me a dime… he was an ‘accident’… so there wasn’t any pressure to succeed in producing him. not to dis-merit my little rockstar, but his life happened easily & the only real stress was that he was unexpected… a happy surprise really.
anyway, i know i CAN conceive… or well i could, 8 years ago… before the IUD and the smoking and the drinking and the… aging? can i say aging when i’m only 26? 😉

i’m a nervous wreck. i can’t imagine how the actually insemination will go… or the dreaded 2 week wait…

to add to the obvious reasons for my concerns/nerves… i can’t get a friggin’ straight answer on when i ovulate. the app (fertility friend) is basing it’s decision off my temps – which says this cycle i o’d on CD13. but the OPK i took didn’t give me a positive until CD14, which would suggest the O happened AFTER that… not even necessarily that day. so it’s probably safe to say it was somewhere between CD13-CD15. but for a frozen insem, with just 3 little vials/attempts… i need a more pinpointed day! i’m frustrated.
as i mentioned last post, we have that new monitor, which we’ll get to use next cycle (have to start on CD2). from what i understand one probe predicts your fertile days 7 days ahead of time, the other probe tells you when you have hit low, medium, and high peak, + day of ovulation (after it’s happened).

do we order the vials to make sure they are here CD12 and ready for use on CD13… 14…15… whenever the monitor says we should hit peak? what if it’s CD17 as the app thinks it was a few months ago?? the tank is good for 14 days (only 7 of those are free)… so i guess we’ll be covered either way… right?

we’re tossing around the idea of starting next month instead of waiting for March… i think partially due to my impatience/excitement, and in part because the anxiety of waiting and not knowing if it’ll work is just driving me insane (of course i realize starting early means a new set of stresses and anxieties… but it does mean success will come sooner, right? if only by a month… sometime down the line?)

if/when i have readers… i imagine you’ll all be so tired of my anxious rants and a bit bogged down by my pessimism… i’m very sorry. the wife says we should just be positive – i’m going to try my very hardest to have faith that it’ll work out at least semi-quickly =)

in the meantime…
baby dust & lots of love!j

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