on life… and death.

my aunt died tuesday.
brain aneurysm… something about all 5 chambers, i really don’t know what any of it means aside from serious bleeding on the brain… and then it caused a massive stroke… and then some form of a heart attack… she didn’t stand a chance… even tho she’s probably the healthiest 57 year old woman i know.
but it took her. less than 24 hours from feeling strange and leaving work, she was gone.

you know what’s super hard to do?
track your cycle in attempts to plan to conceive a life when a life has just been lost.
i literally feel intense guilt each morning when my thermometer hits my tongue.
she’d be so pissed at me for feeling that way. she was the biggest advocate for living your life and being happy.
knowing that… as guilty as i feel about it… i know we have to push forward.

i keep thinking about her kids… and her grandkids… and what a legacy of love she’s left behind in them. she was so proud of each and every one of them. i hope to leave that kind of legacy when it’s my time to go.

that and she’s a donor… i heard this morning that her heart is being given to someone today. apparently it’s in great working order still and she’s saved a life a mere 2 days after loosing her own. it’s fitting, for the kind of person she is and oddly it makes me feel just a little bit more at ease. i know she is thrilled up in heaven knowing she was able to fulfill this intention as a donor. there is something cool about knowing that her heart is going to keep beating, even if it isn’t within someone we can speak with and hold close.

on another note:
i had a dream last night that it took 5 cycles to get pregnant. which is not a lot… however, at $1229/mth for the 3 vials & shipping… 5 cycles is a lot.
the realist in me was like, “wow! yes, 5 cycles that’s not terrible!”
the impatient, pessimistic, dweller in me was like, “hell no… we’re screwed.”

realistically, i know there is no way it’s going to happen on the first cycle & it’s unlikely it will on the second. but all my cross-able joints/limbs are crossing that we get a miracle here… it sucks that it costs so much to do something that is done for free if you are ‘lucky enough’ to be hetero.

my wife, the eternal optimist… she has “a feeling” it won’t take more than 2-3. she says she really feels like it’ll happen early for us. when i told her i dreamt it took 5 cycles, she said, “shit… no i still think less.”

for the love of all things glittery and gay… for her… i hope she’s right.

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