my, myself, and cycle 4.

CD6 & just waiting for go time. The quiet days.

I think I might actually get just as impatient during this “tww” as I do during the actual tww. Typically that’s the case, but this time I’m trying to make myself focus on other things. Somehow I’ve become so consumed with getting pregnant; I accomplish nothing in my day to day life. It doesn’t make any sense, considering the most I do in a day (in terms of TTC related things) in general is take my temp and maybe POAS… which takes what… 30 seconds of the day? Beyond that, my mind is so wrapped up in it, I waste ALL MY TIME just thinking about it, staring at my tracker, obsessing over what my app is saying or what my chart looks like, checking through TTC forums I’m a part of over and over throughout the day, and fantasizing about a growing baby belly.

So this cycle, I’m taking back my life.

We were tossing around the idea of not trying due to the time crunch with my wife’s travel plans. She wants to give it a go. So we’re giving it a go. She leaves on what will be CD14 for me. So the plan is to do insems CD11, 12, & 13 and just call it good. I seem to O most often late in the day on CD13, so it’ll time out just fine if that’s the case. Plus, if nothing else, it gives us some real quality time together before she leaves the country for a week.

That being said, I’ve decided not to use opks this cycle. We are doing insems those days, regardless, so why bother. It’s crossed my mind that I may have a freak cycle where I O on CD11, which has happened once before… but I am still using my ovacue monitor. That will predict out and it’ll confirm day of if that’s the case. I’m also still temping (tho by the time that confirms we’ll be outside of CD13 anyway). If I O that day, then oh well. We’re doing one that evening anyhow, so one will count for something.
I’ve had so much stress and anxiety with opks… the month where it blinked for 7 days straight before I got a peak… last month when it peaked twice…I can rarely tell if a line on a regular/non-digital test is as dark as the other or what to call positive so those never work for me either.
I’m tossing around the idea of not temping once I confirm O… my charts have tricked me the last two tries… so maybe it’s better not to have a chart to obsess over. PLUS 11 out of the 17 days between when I’m supposed to O & when AF would show, I have off work. I have off the 4th of July holiday 3 day wkend & then a week’s stay-cation with my wife the week leading up to our anniversary (and test day). How nice would it be to be able to do a little sleeping in and not concern myself waking to temp…
I’ve been making a list of things to do with my time. The first for the days my wife is gone, which falls over the long weekend too. She leaves Wednesday afternoon, so I have Wednesday evening, I’m working a half day Thursday and then will be home the rest of the day through Sunday. I’ll have Beans, but he’s usually off with his friends. So I plan to get a lot of my sewing projects done. I have quite a few quilts and baby goodies that need to be finished for due dates in august, September (except the shower is the end of July!), and November. The stay-cation week has a list building too. Household stuff we’ve been meaning to do since we moved in, but just haven’t. Beans will still be going to summer camp that week so the wife and I can just tackle all of our projects. So the tww should hopefully be rather busy and go rather fast.

I think the bottom line is, that this whole process makes me a ball of anxious energy and it makes me anchor myself to the couch just to ‘pass time’. It’s counterproductive though, and I need to get better at remembering to live my life during the waiting, to use my hobbies to pass the time, and to plan more fun stuff for myself and the family. I really hope it’ll make me feel more normal and less like a walking science project that needs analyzing every hour on the hour.

This seems like the perfect cycle to give this, less hand on approach too. There is an opportunity to be SUPER anxious about the fact that test day falls on our wedding anniversary… so if I can play down the rest of the stuff, maybe it’ll be easier to avoid getting too attached to that. Plus, it’s a busy couple weeks so I should be well distracted.

I’m trying to remind myself to be somewhat rational here. No opks, I think I can do that. No temping after O confirmed… that one might be harder for me to commit too, as seeing that temp dip before AF is kind of a way of easing me into what’s about to happen and knowing it failed… but then again, it won’t build me up so much during the wait so maybe that’s worth it; that and the idea of sleeping past 6a on my days off sounds amazing. But, I know I’m a creature of habit so it might be difficult to make a clean break. I really want to try though.

So long story short:

Cycle 4, the cycle with less poking, prodding, and overanalyzing and more doing, being, and living (and hoping a little less stressing is the magic key to success).

I’ll let you all know how that goes 😉 but I’m actually feeling really excited about trying & yet having more normalcy.
j

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