kill the defeat with gratitude.

I had a really long post typed up. But I don’t think I’m going to post it. Basically it was saying how I’m in a serious funk and I’m feeling like such a pile of crap for being so negative and sort of dramatic about this process. I feel like my negative attitude is self-sabotaging, and when I start talking about it… I end up dragging up every single thing there is to feel negative about and that turns into more negative feelings about how I shouldn’t feel like I do. It’s a vicious, negative, dark circle and I want out.

I am on CD6 of cycle 5. I felt confident, despite the craziness, that last cycle would work. The beginning of the cycle was full of good signs and good thoughts. It came crashing down on CD26 when I ovulated 14 days late… but then we got that donation and I felt like we were really still in the game. AF showed up, two days early according to my calculations and I was crushed. Since then, I’ve developed some very sore bbs, a very low back ache that won’t quit, I feel more tired than usual… and I’ve tested (on the off chance what I think was AF was some kind of heavy implantation) and I have gotten 2 tests with clear, but faint lines (admittedly I checked them probably an hour or so after the time limit)… and one test that I can see a line on if I invert it (that one I took a photo at the 10 min mark).


Am I pregnant? No… at least that’s what the digital said last night. Do I feel skeptical? Absolutely. Am I imagining it? Most likely. I have never had a dye run, an evap, or any hint of any line ever… even when I’ve gone back and looked at the test hours later… so it’s certainly raised an eyebrow. I’m not sure if I should just forget about it, or keep testing, or what?

In other news, my temps seem to be doing what they should at this point. Slowly dropping. No final decision on whether or not I’ll use opks this time around… if we do, it’ll just be the internet cheapies. I’m done with the clearblue digi ones. We’ve decided, regardless, we’ll be doing 4 donations – CD9, 11, 13, 15. Basically, I have ovulated on CD11, 13, 14, 15 most commonly over the past year (with the exception of last cycle) so we’ll just cover the whole ground and call it a day. If my temp jumps up at any point we’ll cancel the further donations.

Back to the beginning of this post and my negative attitude. I keep saying it, but I truly want to find peace and a positive ground to stand on. I spoke to my mom today (the queen of good vibes and positive thought) and she said, “Remember, everything happens at exactly the right time so put a “thank you” out that this too shall happen at just the right time. Kill the defeat with gratitude.” I realized that I’ve been toeing that line AFTER a failed cycle in trying to find the reasons it’s ok it didn’t work. I think that’s not really where my finding the peace/gratitude belongs. I need to be IN the cycle and being grateful… of which there are many things to be grateful for in relation to this journey.

So, my big goal for Cycle 5: fertility yoga, during which I will use the time in each fertility boosting pose to remind myself to be grateful, to thank the universe for the ability to function, and to center myself. I intend to start first thing tomorrow. I intend to come up with a one or two line chant that I will use to combat the negativity that tends to arise. I intend to force the negative out and the peace, hope, and positivity in.

This will happen exactly when it’s meant to, not necessarily when I want it to. This will happen because my body is capable of making life, it’s done it before and I can feel that it will again. I am grateful for a body that has conceived. I am grateful for a partner who wholly walks with me on this journey. I am grateful for a person willing to go the distance and provide us the one ingredient we can’t get on our own. Thank you little life for coming exactly when you are meant to, whenever that may be.

j

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2 thoughts on “kill the defeat with gratitude.

  1. Oh man, the evasive oh-so-light hcg lines. Serious mind-trips. If you’re getting anything (that cheepy definitely showed up something), you’ve got some amount of hcg in your system, which could point to a chemical pregnancy or a really, really slow rise. I think the fact that you had heavy bleeding and a temp drop points towards the prior, but I’m no medical expert. I’d test again in a few days and see if anything shows up again, just to make sure. If it was a chemical pregnancy that resolved itself then your hcg should go back to undetectable pretty fast. What a freaking pain. I’m sorry :/

    Liked by 1 person

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