when your head won’t stop telling your gut it’s an idiot….

Day 54 of this never ending cycle. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon. I feel like there is two possible outcomes. The first being : something is wrong. Not ovulating? Clogged tubes? Cysts? None of which has been an issue before… But two long cycles (this one currently 12 days longer so far than the last long one)… I screwed something up.

The second outcome, the far shot, the impossible… Could I actually be pregnant? I’ve read many times of women who don’t produce hcg in their urine… Or got super late (like 7, 9, even 15 wks along) positives. Could I be among the rare? 

I can’t shake the feeling that I’m pregnant. Anyone who has read this blog or knows me in real life, knows I’m an eternal pessimist… A realist. The reality is, it’s HIGHLY unlikely that the reason for this lateness is due to pregnancy. I’d be at least 7wks + a few days…. What are the chances? And yet… When I think of my appointment, I can only imagine her telling me the damn pee sticks are wrong and I am pregnant. 

I realize this is probably a serious case of denial… Wishful thinking… Down right craziness… Could the desperation of TTC be finally turning me into a hopeless believer? 

Pregnancy symptoms? I’ve been really fatigued for a few weeks. I wear out easy and crash early in the day. Could easily be stress (life is chaotic currently, plus the added anxiety over this lateness). I’ve gone up a full cup size… But they aren’t sore aside from the occasional day of nipple tenderness/stinging. I have zero interest in food. While there has been very few nauseous days, food just sound really unappealing… Aside from cotton candy ice cream. Emotionally… I feel neutral… Like I have no reason to be upset (which leads to the nagging feeling that I know something the tests don’t), but also not eager to jump the gun and believe I have no reason to be upset (I don’t want to feel dumb when (I mean IF) I’m wrong).

Less than 24 hrs from now I should have some answer… I hope. Or at least appropriate measures will have been taken to figure out why after at least a year (tracked) I’ve had normal cycles and now I don’t.

I’ve never prayed so hard in my life to be right… To have what I keep feeling be true…

I’m soaking in a bath, alternating writing and staring at my stomach…

Baby, are you in there? 

j

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