i found myself wide awake at the wee hours of morning (1:30am… ugh) this morning, trying to lay very still and not toss & turn and wake my wife. I was awake for at least and hour and a half… i forced myself to stop looking at the clock at that point so i’m not sure how much longer i was awake.
i’m not sure what woke me. but i know what kept me awake.
if our first attempt at this baby making had worked, i’d be due in two days. we’ve only been able to try 5 times in the past 9 months, thanks to a my insanely long cycle last cycle and some sperm set backs early on… so realistically, going into cycle 6… isn’t THAT long… but it’s so hard to think of it in terms of cycles and not in terms of actual time that has past. the fruit of all this labor could be here right now if we’d been that lucky pair that it worked right off for. and now i’m on the brink of needing to be medicated to make my cycles function properly.
what a mind fuck.
i feel sad it hasn’t worked. i knew it wouldn’t be a one and done thing… but i guess i really wasn’t prepared to find myself babyless 9 month later… nor was i prepared to find myself dealing with some possible fertility issues tied up with a random long cycle that was followed by an insanely long cycle… i wasn’t prepared to be making doctors appointments to attempt to get answers on why it isn’t happening, i assumed the next time i saw an OBGYN it would be to confirm pregnancy and hear a heartbeat and be told i had to stop eating sushi and drinking beer.
i know it hasn’t been THAT long. i know it’s totally normal for this thing to take a year or so… especially since it’s not like we can just throw caution to the wind and baby dance as much and as often as we’d like. it’s hard to keep that thought at the forefront of my mind. it was October last year that we said “ok, first try will be january/february…” a year of being committed to TTC…
i’m getting these thoughts out now and then i’m going back to being ready for when it’s ready to happen. i know when it happens, when things line up, i’ll be thankful for that very baby that came at that very time and not a moment too soon. i have so much faith that that time is coming. i can’t wait to hold my breath for those two pink lines and feel really amazed when they both show up. i can’t wait to stop imagining what it’ll be like to tell my wife we’re pregnant and instead actually experience it.
i expressed my bit of sadness to my wife about the fact that we’ve yet to find success in our TTC journey. she replied with exactly what i needed to hear. she said “it’s been hard, but i’ve been having fun too!” and then listed off all the silly stuff we’ve done to pass the time while trying to keep my hips elevated (like attempting to eat nachos in bed… more than once! ahaha)… the driving with a cup of fresh swimmers trying to keep it warm and laughing over the awkwardness… the ritual of watching will & grace after an insem (i have no idea how that became the ritual!)… and the intimacy we’ve been able to add to it as well.
she’s right. this journey, tho so exhausting and defeating sometimes, has been really special and fun and is going to be looked back on so fondly. we’ve really made the process… ours. it mimics who we are in general and i’m so grateful our baby is going to be made from the love, respect, silliness, and friendship my wife and i share.
i am so lucky to be taking this journey; especially lucky that i get to be taking it with her.
today, cd9 of cycle 6, i am taking my first opk in what feels like forever. i’m following the docs orders to take only ONE a day, around 2pm until i get that positive (my doc really scolded me for taking it four times a day… oops). i’m going to continue to relax. and in two days, we’re getting back to mixing the ingredients – every other day for at least a week (assuming i get a positive in there). and just having faith that we’re going to get it right and so soon take the next step in this adventure.
i can’t wait!